I'm Bill Lehecka, yes the real Bill Lehecka, all you other Bill Leheckas are just imitating so won't the real Late Show Impressions author please stand up, please stand up, please stand up...

Thanks Marilyn! It especially helps after James' thing... :-)

Good evening, welcome to hell. Well, I've just returned from New York City after seeing a taping of LS. I had the pleasure to meet a lot of people off the AFL today. We had a lot of fun. I'll be posting a trip report of this experience in about a week or so. I have to get the photos developed and such. I have a lot of good pictures, especially with Maria Pope and me right next to Andrea Sande. Oh yeah, baby... :-)

Mmm... Open face club sandwich....

I didn't meet McIntee for this trip, but I did meet Donz. Three words: What a weirdo! :-) No, he was a nice man. Lots of nice, good people at the show today. I personally like to thank Renee for getting the tickets, Traci for organizing everything and the buttons, and Brad and Karen for the GREAT t-shirts. Lots of work went into this, and it was all a GREAT experience. Same time next year?

On to Impressions:

-"Smile, you're on Surveillance Camera!"

-Nothing of importance happened in the monologue, so I'll skip it...

-...

-...

-...Oh I can't help it... That's ME in the opening monologue. Let me explain. Dave did his thing where he asked for questions from the studio audience. I raised my hand calmly, and Dave picked me. I introduced myself, and he noticed my hat, a University of Dayton hat. I told Dave before the show I recently graduated from UD. Dave then started to rattle off all of these facts in regards to Dayton. It was mighty impressive. Then he comes out, and he makes the opening comment. And then, you see me, clad in my UD hat and Mets Jersey. Woo hoo!

-It was about 90 degrees in NYC. Amazingly it didn't feel that hot.

-I didn't notice the fly at the taping. I think after the fly flew away, Bill DeLace ran it down and beat it senseless...

-Yes, the theater was nice after 90 degree weather.

-George Clarke's back in the boiler room. He sure is a master carver. Impressive how he could carve electrical parts. Too bad they don't have glue for the checker set.

-It's now time to play America's Fastest Growing Quiz Sensation (tm), Know Your Current Events.

-Oh, I know beforehand, no meat tonight. That's cool with me.

-Contestant #1: Bobby from Colorado Springs, Colorado. He's a big software developer guy. Well, what do you expect from a guy who grew up in Silicon Valley. You know, I think this guy's going places. Dave just has trouble with his mouse. I've had many troubles with mice before, but I've never had something happen without clicking something. Maybe he phantomly clicked something.

-Gotta love it when Dave flirts with audience members...

-He's going to play Know Your Wedding Announcements From Last Sunday's New York Times, or KYWAFLSNYT. Dave waived him off from Current Events. Dave says this is now his favorite category. I can't help but agree with him. Where do they come up with this stuff??? Well, I have this episode on tape, so transcribing will be a breeze!

-Question #1: Name this couple whose wedding announcement was in last Sunday's New York Times? Bobby doesn't know. Now I have proof. Dave, when Bobby was going to answer tapped the answer on his blue card with his index finger. He's ENCOURAGING CHEATING. I'm not really upset, I just like typing IN CAPS! Answer: Margaret Brennan and William Cobb. Question 2: Of Lisa Kelly and Steven Wolf, who was not 100% sure they wanted to go through with this? Answer: Steven Wolf. You know, I would've gone with the woman. Bobby's going to Red Eye Grill with his out of shape brother, Keith. Man, he was weird...

-Contestant #2: Angie from Mission Viejo, California. She's in real estate. It's a hotbed, you see. She seemed not too thrilled with math questions. It wasn't that hard, miss.

-She's going to play Know Your "Survivor" Castaways. She's an avid fan. Dave still contends that it's all rigged. Question #1: Whois this castaway. Answer: Gretchen Cordy. Question #2: What does this castaway plan on doing if the food runs low? Answer: Barbecue that annoying host. She's going to Victor's. I went to Carmine's tonight. Very good food!

-You know, I was SOOO hoping someone would play "Know Your Shaft." You know, there's a dirty joke in there, but I'll leave it up to your imagination.

-Well, look at that. They cut out my second reference on the show. You see, when LS came back from commercial, Dave mentions that he was impressed with himself knowing so much about Dayton. Then they show another audience shot of me. They cut it out, and I'll explain why in a bit.

-Here's George Clarke again. Eeeeewwww, where is that lotion coming from on the rat? It might have been fake, Dave, but it sure was creepy.

-It's time for Campaign 2000, brought to you, individually, by Hot, Sweet and Sour, Tomato, Bernaise, Bourdelaise, Hollandaise, and Worchestershire. Meow..... Mr. Psycho there.

-Paul and Maria are on the panel. Paul was sick at the beginning of Campaign 2000 and doesn't want to be kicked out. Hewon't be kicked out for a while. Maria has the person who was kicked off the Survivor Island. Ramona took up a lot of time. She just kept going on and on about her Survivor experience. We did get some truth though. They installed a well in the island. CyberGolem started the booing in the audience. I have proof. I sat next to him. Next you'll wonder how Nick came up with some good iambic pentameter. I agree though. This whole thing is a scam... At least she wants to make a profit if she gets sued. Pretty savvy I must say.

-That's Campaign 2000, by that ice that won't make you look, all together, like a loser! Get me some opaque now!

-Well, now I feel better. They also cut out the mention of the helicopter near the World Trade Center and the Windows of the World mention. I feel much better.

-First Guest, Samuel L. Jackson: He's always so cool. I was disappointed that this Shaft didn't get any booty in this movie. Well, it was insinuated that he got booty, but he was never seen with actual booty in is hand. You know, no one ever has promised me sex. We need more Shaft movies. The more, the better. Can you dig it? If Richard Roundtree is in the second movie, he's gotta get more booty than Jackson. You gotta love the mug bit they did. The Sound Guy must have had a field day. And how about Paul's little groove from Dan Hill? It had me on the floor.

-Second Segment: More talk about Shaft. It was a great movie. I was throughly entertained. Jackson just moved to a new house from Roseanne, I believe. It was a tad confusing there. An elevator for only 2 floors!??!!! Talk about heaven! He's got a pretty swanky place there. Samuel's always an entertaining guest.

-Comparing both guest segments from Jackson on Leno and Letterman, the Letterman segment was more entertaining. It didn't seem forced like on Leno. Good job, Dave.

-Second Guest, PJ Olsson. Who the hell are these guys? That was the collective thought of everyone in the theater. They were very unimpressive. I mean, when you sing a song about pot, you're not going to win me over. However, I was impressed with the fact that they made their own sound effects. I can tell you that with all of the candles on stage, three fire extinguishers were on hand. Were the candles really necessary? Was a webcast REALLY necessary?

-And we're out!

That's all from me tonight. No top ten tonight (Sorry James). More on this wonderful trip in the coming weeks. Thanks again everyone. It was a pleasure meeting all of you.

--
Bill Lehecka (OldMatador@yahoo.com)
http://www.oldmatador.com/letterman/